I GOTTA HAVE FAITH
Walk by faith and not by sight. I must walk by faith and not by sight. Remember- walk by faith and not by sight. Although God’s word is infallible, there are so many times that I err in this walk. Sometimes I just fall flat on my face. It’s easy to have faith when everything is going well. However, when you see things change before your very eyes, it’s a different story.
I remember when Wayne was first diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma, a bone cancer. Even though there was a moment of shock, we went into warrior mode, casting down everything in our way, believing God for total restoration. We traveled to and from UAMS in Arkansas, which has been touted as the Myeloma capital the world. We went on three week long trips over a period of a year and a half. Wayne was poked and prodded all week long; absolutely put through the ringer. There was a van that transported us to and from our destination. So many times during that twenty minute ride, I thought he would pass out after being violated. He would be so sick, yet he never complained, and he would get up the next day and do it all over again.
Soon, we didn’t money to travel back and forth to Arkansas, and he started getting chemotherapy here at our local Oncology center where I am employed. Intensive chemo for a year and a half. Chemo that made him so sick, lifting his head from the pillow caused significant pain and nausea. He spent the entire first year basically in bed. Just going to the bathroom was a struggle. He was so sick that his emotions were all over the place, and so were mine.
He had a conversation with some friends, and he was giving them the facts about Multiple Myeloma. He told them that fifteen to twenty thousand people are diagnosed with Myeloma every year. He went on to say that there are approximately sixty five thousand people alive with the disease. He could see the puzzled look on their faces. The math didn’t add up. Then he told them why. People diagnosed with Myeloma don’t live long. The median survival rate is around five years. Wayne was diagnosed in 2007.
I gotta have faith.
After a year and a half of chemo, he decided he’d had enough. He was going to really walk by faith and not by sight, and trust God for total restoration and healing. He wanted to live a quantitative life, instead of a qualitative one. Many people don’t understand his decision, but I stand by him and his decision.
I can’t say that it has been easy. I see what everyone else doesn’t see. I see the pain. I have heard so many people talk about the unbearable pain that cancer causes, and now I know that it is true. I see the memory loss. I know the restless, sleepless nights. I hear him when he says he’s tired. I find myself watching his every move. I can tell early in the morning if he is going to have a good day or not.
It’s hard to see someone being tormented by a disease for which there is no cure. It’s hard to see someone in nauseous and in pain on a daily basis. Those are the times when I have to dig deep and believe beyond what I see. I have to believe without a shadow of a doubt that God will perform a miracle and heal Wayne. Some days I am angry, some days I cry, some days I have the deer in the headlight look. Most days I smile. I thank God for twenty four years of marriage this year, and twenty eight years together. I thank God that we have three beautiful children. I thank God that Wayne is a living testimony, and he has never wavered in his faith.
You never know what a true faith walk is until you live it.
I gotta have faith!~
And Jesus said unto them, Because of your unbelief: for verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you.
I listen to the song below a LOT!!~
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